mcmansionhell:

Hello Friends! Now that I’ve had my brief reprieve, I’m happy to be back in the saddle again. Thank you for your patience.

This week’s Certified Dank™ McMansion comes to us from Naperville, IL - one of my most requested locations. 

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This 5 bedroom, 6 bathroom beaut, built in 1999, is currently selling for almost $1 million. Not a bad deal for more than 5000 square feet of space. 

The Lawyer Foyer

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I’m very fond of this term, because it rhymes despite the fact that it looks like it doesn’t because English is a dumb language. Also, what the hell is going on in the top right hand corner there??

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Ok is there an ACLU for architecture, because I’d like to report a human rights violation. 

The Sitting & Staring Room

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I’m pretty sure everyone knows these rooms are just a big lie, because rooms with sofas are for watching TV and nothing more. Y’all aren’t fooling anyone; do you actually think that I sincerely believe y’all sit around and have meaningful conversations? It’s 2016!! /s

The Dining Room

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For anyone salty about this year’s Thanksgiving, this one’s for you.

The “This Was Totally Always a Home Office, What Are You Talking About?”

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Dang it, ain’t that just sad. 

The “Great” Room

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As someone who will probably never be able to afford a Noguchi coffee table, this image makes me a human salt mine. 

The Kitchen

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If you or a loved one knows of a kitchen in desperate need of renovation, the Kitchen Defense Fund can help: call 1-800-34-OVENS, that’s 1-800-34-OVENS. (before i get sued: this isn’t a real thing)

The Breakfast Nook?

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Is anyone else laughing at the thought of the ceiling fan blowing people’s napkins off the table or is it just me? 

The Master Bedroom

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Dammit, Cheryl. 

The Master Bathroom

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Do not let the softness of the pink walls fool you: the neutral sink territory is still a heavily contested area. 

The Spare Bedroom

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I’m sorry I can’t make a comment on this room, because I’m overcome with both bitterness and nostalgia. 

The Horrifyingly Gendered Bedroom

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“Mom, I want to be a mechanical engineer.”
“That’s cute, princess.”

Bathroom of Said Gendered Room

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Somehow they managed to pick a different colored pink from the pink in the attached bedroom…and this one’s worse. 

Bedroom the Fourth

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Cheryl always manages to find some way to circumvent Home Depot’s list of banned phone numbers. 

MEDIA AND ALCOHOL LAIR

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Disclaimer: I’m secretly into that bar. 

And, now time for the obligatory…

Rear Exterior Shot!

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Well, that does it for this week’s Certified Dank™ McMansion! I’m off to celebrate now, because today is my birthday!!! If anyone is interested in celebrating with me, please consider donating to my preferred charities: 

Or, if you really like these posts and me, consider supporting me on Patreon! 

Be sure to tune in Sunday for Modernism Part II! 

Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Zillow.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.